So apparently there was an Australian blog entry that mentioned my blog this last month. Given the tone of the article, I can understand how people might feel like they're being really helpful to leave a comment or two explaining their 'concern' for my health. It does seem a bit odd having people who have never met me read a write-up by someone who also doesn't know me and feel like they're entitled to shell out advice. I do appreciate the interest (my blog is public so that people can read it, after all), but I have to say that being this size quite often engenders unsolicited advice. It comes with the territory, and I've long since learned to expect it and how to handle it.

Truth is, I've been gaining off and on for about six years now. 350 pounds have gone by and I've dealt with my fair share of drawbacks, health concerns, relationship issues...if the pros didn't outweigh the cons for me, I wouldn't be doing it. And the reality is that over the years I've become all too acutely aware of what I'm buying into. Blog comments are encouraged from whatever perspective, but ultimately I'm the one who really lives my life and has (believe me) much bigger variables than that contributing to the decisions I make.

Whew. Ok. Now, with that out of the way, I can write about what I really want to talk about:

I'm finally bigger than I've ever been. It's sort of fantastic to see my body expanding farther than I've ever remembered, taking up more space and filling out my "fat" clothes from ages past. It's funny, since for the longest time I had this but-I-know-I'm-not-as-big-as-before rationale every time I'd notice my size. Perhaps it's just psychological after seeing the scale last week, but now I can actually *feel* myself being bigger. There is sort of this wonderful excitement to knowing that you're experiencing a new size that you've never been. When it takes an extra second to get out of my chair, or to get my balance, or to climb up the stairs from my office...to know that I'm experiencing these things for the first time because I'm actually this heavy for the first time. It feels...really good.

As much as Thomas isn't so much into the idea of me continuing to gain weight per se, I know that he appreciates the way it gets me going when we're intimate. Suffice it to say that the overall effect of me getting fatter has been quite the net positive for our marriage recently.

I'm finally starting to hit my stride with the eating right now too. It's taken several months, and a bit of frustration and determination, but I'm finally starting to be satisfied with what I can put down. Not only can I impress me (which is a shocker), but I've also been impressing Jay (even more of a shocker). I've been hanging out with him a lot lately to watch the hockey playoffs. I can't say I've had more fun with him than I did with Ian (Jay is a Flames fan, after all), but he sure can put down more food than I remember Ian putting down. So in that regard, he's pleasantly encouraging company!

Which, to my last point, I'm gutted that the Wings are out of the playoffs. All the disappointment has made me...well....eat!

I've been trying to work this week amidst the construction of my new office. The construction guys are putting in a window in the basement for my office and the machines they're using are so loud, I can hear it all the way from my "temporary workspace" in the kitchen (which really isn't a bad spot, since its so excellently stocked!). I suppose in the end it's nice because eventually I'll be able to look out onto the garden while I'll work, and it'll be much nicer during the day inside. Also, the construction crew are my friends, we've been hanging out here and there since I moved to Calgary and they built my office back when I was working with Thomas. I've been watch hockey with them, lol.  (And Jay is about 100 pounds bigger than when I first met him... but then so am I...)

I'm starting to get back in the swing of things with eating. I can consume way more than I could a month ago, but still nowhere near what I could at my best. It's a bit disappointing I have to stop before I'm ready, but I have to be patient remind myself I'm get better. Practice makes perfect...or at least it makes you fatter, lol

Also, we're in the final stretch of hockey season. If everything goes my way, I'm going to be the leading nacho scorer by playoffs.

I love it when holidays like Valentine's day fall on a weekend.  It means I get to go shopping without feeling rushed (I got Thomas a book he's been eyeing since Christmas).  More importantly, it gives Thomas a chance to spoil me at home!

He's gotten back into his old habits, he made a huge dinner, cheeses, bread, pasta in a white sauce!  Even the salad had an extra creamy dressing.  By the time his chocolate totre was ready, I was far too full to move.  I love it when he does that to me!

Only problem is, there was so much left over.  Know that in the old days I'd have polished it off, and been left wanting more, but now... well, where did the old Amy go?  I'm sure she's in there somewhere!

It’s been almost a year since my last post.

It’s been perhaps the happiest year of my life, and I’m thankful to finally share it.

Happiness #1:  Thomas and I finally got hitched!  It was a small little ceremony with our friends and family.  Neither of us really thought we NEEDED it, we mostly did it for our families.  However, having done it, turns out we did NEED it.  It changes perspectives on life to make something official.  It was also one hell of a party!

Happiness #2:  I finished the job I was working on.  It was a short term job, mostly helping some computer geeks learn how to get along in the  world of business.  They’re really smart guys, but some things you just have to know.  They hated me at first, but now they make a living doing what they want.  That’s all the thanks I need.

So I’ve started a new job, I’m doing consulting from home.  That’s right, my very own home based business!  We adjusted a room in the basement to be my office.  It’s really nicely laid out, it’s comfortable, it’s got what I need to do my job, and most importantly, it’s got room to grow…. Which leads me to…

Happiness #3:  I’ve had some health concerns in the past.  At a recent check up they ran some new tests that weren’t available before, and either I’ve made some astonishing progress, or maybe they were just wrong.  I now have a clean bill of health.

You know what that means, don’t you?

This fat ass is finally going to get fatter…

I've taken a new job.

It's an executive position, the company needs some help, and I think they've got a good future, but they need help getting there!

Once again, I'm required to submit anything I publish to the board, so I'll be signing off for probably another year.

I never did get back into the habit of blogging again, and I wish I had!  I used to love it.  I still do, but just never quite got into a groove.

I'm excited about the job though.  I'm a little sad to give up my auditing position, it gave me more freedom, but I suspect I'll be back at it once I get this company turned around.

Until then, good luck everyone!

Amy

I did my aquafit last night, first time this year!  It really wore me out, but I'm glad I did it.

The class was fun, it wasn't just old ladies and me this time, there were some younger women who were big.  No one in my weight class, but big enough I didn't feel alone!

What's more, the lifeguard running the class wasn't super tiny!  It would be a stretch to call her fat, but when I was her size, I considered myself to be fat.  She might be 140 pounds or so.  I didn't ask.

It was nice, there weren't any guys around.  I don't like it when they're watching me getting in/out of the pool.  Just a thing I guess that I hated last time.

For now I'll be doing it every other day, I could really feel it today!  It's something I need to get in the habit of, but can't over do it either!

The time has come once again to get serious about losing weight.  I know the main indicator of success is motivation, and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely motivated, but lately I've been thinking about it again.  I'll get back in the pool, I'll curtail my snacking, and I'll lose some weight.

With the RSP deadline upon us, I've been busy, and a little stressed.  While the stress makes me hungrier, it also kills my appetite for snacking.  It's weird, I know, but meals are bigger, but snacks are smaller, so I've been eating less.  I should be able to ride that wave of stress out for the summer.

Then we'll see where I'm at.

Or Valentine's + 1 I suppose.

We had a great day.  Thomas took me to a restaurant he consulted with the design on.  The food and service was great, and of course the atmosphere was perfect!

I'm sorry I haven't posted earlier.  I guess I was trying to make sure that my 'next' post was a 'good' post.  It means taking the time to sit and write it, and it's tough to take my spare time these days and write something that I think should be written.

So I give up, you'll have to settle for whatever I spout out!

Hopefully I can get something better posted, but... I guess I need to avoid heading down that road.

My job has become ridiculously stressful.  I'm working as an auditor:  basically it's my job to point out where a company is having trouble.  Problem is, EVERY company is having trouble these days, and for some, it's not really their fault, and there's little I can do to help them.  Others, I can help, but they refuse to accept my advice.  That's fine, free world, they're the people running it, they can do as they choose. 

It's just tough sometimes.

On the plus side, when I'm stressed, I'm eating these days!  I'm still watching what I eat, so I'm eating lots of salads now, and I snack on nuts and fruit for the most part.  Just making sure I have plenty.

My weight is actually up to 551 pounds now.  I was a little surprised to see that... but not all that surprised, and definitely not disappointed at all.

I don't really have a goal right now, but let's just say that if I ever reach 600 pounds, I won't be the slightest bit disappointed.

Home safe and sound. More later.