Take a step into Amy's World
So apparently there was an Australian blog entry that mentioned my blog this last month. Given the tone of the article, I can understand how people might feel like they're being really helpful to leave a comment or two explaining their 'concern' for my health. It does seem a bit odd having people who have never met me read a write-up by someone who also doesn't know me and feel like they're entitled to shell out advice. I do appreciate the interest (my blog is public so that people can read it, after all), but I have to say that being this size quite often engenders unsolicited advice. It comes with the territory, and I've long since learned to expect it and how to handle it.
Truth is, I've been gaining off and on for about six years now. 350 pounds have gone by and I've dealt with my fair share of drawbacks, health concerns, relationship issues...if the pros didn't outweigh the cons for me, I wouldn't be doing it. And the reality is that over the years I've become all too acutely aware of what I'm buying into. Blog comments are encouraged from whatever perspective, but ultimately I'm the one who really lives my life and has (believe me) much bigger variables than that contributing to the decisions I make.
Whew. Ok. Now, with that out of the way, I can write about what I really want to talk about:
I'm finally bigger than I've ever been. It's sort of fantastic to see my body expanding farther than I've ever remembered, taking up more space and filling out my "fat" clothes from ages past. It's funny, since for the longest time I had this but-I-know-I'm-not-as-big-as-before rationale every time I'd notice my size. Perhaps it's just psychological after seeing the scale last week, but now I can actually *feel* myself being bigger. There is sort of this wonderful excitement to knowing that you're experiencing a new size that you've never been. When it takes an extra second to get out of my chair, or to get my balance, or to climb up the stairs from my office...to know that I'm experiencing these things for the first time because I'm actually this heavy for the first time. It feels...really good.
As much as Thomas isn't so much into the idea of me continuing to gain weight per se, I know that he appreciates the way it gets me going when we're intimate. Suffice it to say that the overall effect of me getting fatter has been quite the net positive for our marriage recently.
I'm finally starting to hit my stride with the eating right now too. It's taken several months, and a bit of frustration and determination, but I'm finally starting to be satisfied with what I can put down. Not only can I impress me (which is a shocker), but I've also been impressing Jay (even more of a shocker). I've been hanging out with him a lot lately to watch the hockey playoffs. I can't say I've had more fun with him than I did with Ian (Jay is a Flames fan, after all), but he sure can put down more food than I remember Ian putting down. So in that regard, he's pleasantly encouraging company!
Which, to my last point, I'm gutted that the Wings are out of the playoffs. All the disappointment has made me...well....eat!
I did my aquafit last night, first time this year! It really wore me out, but I'm glad I did it.
The class was fun, it wasn't just old ladies and me this time, there were some younger women who were big. No one in my weight class, but big enough I didn't feel alone!
What's more, the lifeguard running the class wasn't super tiny! It would be a stretch to call her fat, but when I was her size, I considered myself to be fat. She might be 140 pounds or so. I didn't ask.
It was nice, there weren't any guys around. I don't like it when they're watching me getting in/out of the pool. Just a thing I guess that I hated last time.
For now I'll be doing it every other day, I could really feel it today! It's something I need to get in the habit of, but can't over do it either!
The time has come once again to get serious about losing weight. I know the main indicator of success is motivation, and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely motivated, but lately I've been thinking about it again. I'll get back in the pool, I'll curtail my snacking, and I'll lose some weight.
With the RSP deadline upon us, I've been busy, and a little stressed. While the stress makes me hungrier, it also kills my appetite for snacking. It's weird, I know, but meals are bigger, but snacks are smaller, so I've been eating less. I should be able to ride that wave of stress out for the summer.
Then we'll see where I'm at.
Or Valentine's + 1 I suppose.
We had a great day. Thomas took me to a restaurant he consulted with the design on. The food and service was great, and of course the atmosphere was perfect!